To Goodwillie, earnestness also suggests an open-armed—and deeply uncool—embrace of dating apps as a mechanism for finding love. “My mom always says, ‘You’re going to meet someone when you least expect it,’” she says. “I kind of feel like I always have that in the back of my mind when I’m looking at profiles. I’m like, ‘Oh, I’m not taking this very seriously. I’m just going to see what happens and maybe I’ll meet someone, maybe I won’t.’ So I feel like I tend to gravitate toward the profiles that also seem like they have that same sort of casual attitude about it.”
Will Gray, 26, of Nashville is also put off by profiles he feels are too serious. He’s seen responses to Hinge prompts he interprets as too sincere, like, “What I’m looking for: a man who will always support me through thick and thin no matter what.”
“I’m being very judgmental. I guess that’s part of what the apps do—they make you judgmental,” he says.
He held his distaste for earnest responses in mind when creating his own profile. When it came time for him to answer the app’s prompts, he wanted to come off as sarcastic and lighthearted, feeling the “the threat of being too serious.” He describes his profile “semi-serious” and “somewhat sarcastic.”
“That’s partially just me not wanting to be vulnerable, or being insecure,” he says.
Long-Term Love
Gray admits that this self-consciousness can hinder young people’s ability to get what they likely want out of the apps: love and companionship. “The people bringing that serious and earnest energy, frankly, probably have the most long-term success, because they’re being open and vulnerable and earnest and clear about what they want.”
Anabelle Williams, 25 from Brooklyn, agrees with Gray that directness on the apps is probably a significant indicator of success. Her friend who indicated she was looking for a long-term relationship is now in one with someone who also clearly stated that same desire.
But in Williams’ own online dating life, someone stating what they’re looking for is “the biggest red flag I could have ever seen,” she says, describing it as “embarrassing.” “When I would see somebody saying ‘looking for a long-term relationship,’ I was like, ‘OK, you’re not looking for me. You’re just looking for anyone.”
Similarly, Liam Katz, 24, also of Brooklyn, describes sincerity on dating apps as “unnatural.” He compared an earnest-seeming online dating profile to “a picture of someone alone in front of the Statue of Liberty.”
“When you’re at a party with someone, very seldom are you going to be like, ‘Oh yeah, by the way, I don’t smoke cigarettes very often, I’m looking for a short-term relationship, and this is my sign.’ That’s not how people start talking,” Katz says. He calls that level of immediate disclosure “ridiculous.”
“Usually it starts with you kind of joking around about something,” he says. “That’s kind of lost a bit, where I think dating apps are so, like, ‘I’m looking for someone who’s this, this, and this, perfect. This person fits my match, let’s go out.’ And I think that’s kind of lame and sad.”