Did anyone see that Sam M. meltdown coming?
Well, yes. I did. And if you’ve been watching this season of The Bachelorette, you probably did, too.
I don’t know what Sam’s primary objective in all of this was, but it certainly wasn’t to be with Jenn. But let’s break this hour down because there was a lot more going on than Sam failing to answer a single question.
When the hour starts, everyone’s back in the United States, Seattle, to be specific. If you want to play a drinking game through the first hour, then take a sip every time someone says they’re in the Emerald City.
It’s a big week because from here, it’s off to hometowns, and Jenn has to decide which guys she’s most serious about, enlisting ex-Bachelorette Charity to help talk it out.
Charity remains a lovely woman and one of the best Bachelorettes. She gives Jenn some good advice and talks her through some of the guys she’s still unsure about.
The top three guys she’s concerned about being Sam M. (duh), Jeremy (I barely remember he’s there half the time), and Marcus (she clearly likes him, but he’s less open than some of the other guys).
The guys get a date card at the hotel, and it’s for Marcus, which is OUCH for Jeremy! He still needs a one-on-one, and Marcus is already on number two!
It’s so obvious that if Marcus is just a little more open, it’s probably a wrap for all the other guys, sans Devin, because she’s very much into the guy. But alas, Marcus just isn’t going to be something he’s not.
The Jenn and Marcus date is a marketing campaign for Wicked (out this Thanksgiving!), and their date involves Kelsey and Daisy, Charity, and Trista showing up at various spots on a yellow brick road to get the two lovebirds to open up.
Perhaps the sweetest moments are seeing that quick video from Marcus’s sister and Jenn getting a nice letter from her mom.
Even though Jenn feels like it’s a struggle for Marcus to get vulnerable, I swear these two are often on the verge of tears or openly crying a lot, so they’re doing a lot more than just giggling and talking about nothing, which is actually true of several of the other guys.
Their date ends in a hot air balloon because Jenn continues to make sure all these men find their way up into the sky one way or another; then, it’s time for the evening portion, where Marcus gets deep about his childhood.
Mixed in is a date card for the remaining men, and everyone is headed on a group date except for Jeremy. Finally! It’s episode 6, and I know literally nothing about Jeremy. I imagine that Jenn doesn’t really know much, either.
Back to Marcus and Jenn on their emotional date in an abandoned baseball park, I can’t wait to meet Marcus’s sister because it’s clear they have a strong bond through their shared childhood, and he and Jenn seem very suited to one another.
There’s this emphasis on Marcus not being as far along as Jenn is, but it reads like they like each other, and they’re getting there at a nice pace. It’s not as if Jenn is throwing herself at the man, and he’s running from it.
Jenn gives him the rose, and as I’ve been saying since the first episode…FRONTRUNNER.
The group date involves another blast from the past: Jason and Molly Mesnick, who are still happily married and have come to listen to the guys be awkward on the radio.
So much of this episode is framed around Jenn’s indecision about Sam M., and honestly, the whole thing is so real. It’s so evident from the outside that Sam is just talking to talk 95% of the time, but when you’re physically attracted to someone, you often overlook many things until that shine wears off.
The dwindling numbers clearly have Jenn realizing Sam M. is just a walking catchphrase, and the whole radio date becomes him sticking his foot in his mouth repeatedly until the show puts Jenn and us out of our misery.
I don’t know what the worst part of the whole thing is. When he mentions Jenn isn’t his type, and he thought the bachelorette would be Daisy or Maria? OR when he doesn’t answer a question and just kisses Jenn while IN THE MIDDLE OF A RADIO INTERVIEW?
Everyone is horrified by Sam because he’s not keeping the main thing the main thing, and then it’s off to the cocktail party.
Everyone has a nice moment with Jenn, and they all say some variation of their falling in love with her, but it’s worth noting she only reciprocates with Devin.
Make of that what you will.
Jenn and Sam’s time is spent with her trying to get him to say words that make sense, and when he fails at that, he blurts out that he loves her, and I just know she was screaming on the inside because what?
Sam couldn’t tell her three things about herself, yet she’s supposed to believe he’s in love with her?
If there’s one thing men will always have, it’s the audacity.
Jenn doesn’t give out a rose because she doesn’t, and I’m left wondering why she didn’t send Sam packing right then and there.
Jenn and Jeremy’s date takes them to that fish market that shows up in every montage about Seattle, and the thing about these two is that their dynamic is very much rooted in fun. They make each other laugh, and there’s an ease about their interactions, but deep love and affection?
I’m not seeing it.
Their day date is cute, though, and the evening portion revolves around them talking about their religions and hypothetical children, which is a common first date talking point.
There is nothing inherently wrong with Jenn and Jeremy, but when you put them up against her and Devin and her and Marcus, it’s just not even fair how much better those pairings work.
Jeremy would have had to really blow it for Jenn not to give him a rose, but he doesn’t, and he gets one, which means heading into the next rose ceremony, Jenn has two roses and five guys to choose from.
But she doesn’t even make it to the ceremony before she shows up at the hotel looking for Sam M., and I can not believe he was ever truly there for Jenn because their final conversation is AWFUL.
Not only does he not throw Jenn a bone, but he’s all-around weird. It’s odd to tell someone you love them but not be able to say anything else of substance.
I love that Jenn didn’t even explicitly dump him. She’s just like, been there, done that, and I simply can’t be bothered anymore.
And the nerve of Sam to say Jenn’s energy was dull? Get him off my screen expeditiously!
The rose ceremony is anticlimactic if you’ve been paying attention.
Devin is a given, and between Grant, Spencer, and Jonathon, she has the most natural chemistry with Jonathon.
Grant is genuinely devastated, and Spencer’s phone call with his mom is sad, though he appears more upset that he wasn’t chosen by someone rather than selected by Jenn specifically.
So, our hometown dates will be with Marcus, Jeremy, Devin, and Jonathon, and if I’m reading this all right, we’re on a collision course of Marcus and Devin making it to the end.
Though Jonathon could be a dark horse!
All right, guys, let me know how you’re feeling after this one in the comments! Will you miss Sam M.? Have you ever cringed harder than during that radio interview?
You can watch The Bachelorette on ABC on Mondays at 8/7c.